Wow! That is brilliantly written. You are a very talented writer. I can really relate. I get very frustrated and sad when people look at me and they don't realise that I'm crying inside. Thanks for your comment on my poem. Made me smile :)
There is no doubt in my mind that this is a masterpiece. I'm torn about which version I like better. Whilst the second is more grammatically correct it loses some of your style. Not only that but the use of the word after gives it a definitive structure and really brings the point across that again and again and again life just keeps shiting on you (Excuse my language!) By seeing the word over and over its like you are physically showing people this.